I've been meaning to write about celebrity baby names for quite a while now, but something always gets in my way. Today's announcement of Katie Holmes' and Tom Cruise's impending bundle of joy gave me a chance once again. (although I'm upset that my earlier predictions were wrong: I was told by my mother in law that she'd heard from her best friend, who heard from her friend, who heard from Katie Holmes' mother that this whole thing is a hoax, and TC is gay. But that could still be true. The baby might not be his!)
When celebrities name thier children, they apparently lose contact with the 3 or 4 brain cells that they have in their heads. The most recent reminder of this phenomena is Nicholas Cage and his beautiful newborn Kal-El Coppola Cage. The poor kid is named after Superman. And not just any old Superman name - Superman's Krypton name. And the little guy doesn't even have a normal middle name to fall back on. What are they going to call him? Do you remember how that damn thing is pronounced? Call-Ell.
One family of repeat offenders in the child naming game is the Jacksons. In order of oldest to youngest Jackson siblings (excluding LaToya and Janet who have not, thankfully, procreated):
Rebbie: Stacee, Yashi, and Austin
Jackie: Sigmund and Brandi
Tito: Toriano Adaryll, Taryll Adren, and Tito Joseph
Jermaine: Jermaine Jr., Autumn, Jaimy, Jeremy, Jourdyn, Jaffar, Jermajesty, and Dawn
Marlon: Valencia, Brittany, and Marlon Jr.
Randy: Steveanna, Randy Jr., Dante, and Genevieve (the youngest 3 are with the same woman who bore Jaffar and Jermajesty to Jermaine)
Michael: Prince Michael Jr, Paris Michael, and Prince Michael II
A lot of people complain about Apple, Gwyneth Paltrow's little girl, but I think that one's cute. And I'm going to get comments about that. But what I'm afraid of is Demi Moore, mother of Rumor, Scout, and Tallulah, procreating with Ashton.
Hit me up with other fantastic celebrity kid names!
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13 comments:
Best Post Yet!!!
Also, and maybe these are trite now, but there is also Moon Unit and Dweezil Zappa.
I love me some Bono, but what was he thinking?
Two girls (Jordan, Memphis Eve) and two boys (Elijah Bob Patricus Guggi Q, and John Abraham)
This post and the subsequent commentary are proof that all celebrities use drugs.
This brings up an interesting point. I could write a long diatribe about how little most people actually know about the celebrity industry, but I'll try to keep this short.
It's funny: people read the mags, follow the gossip, know every little detail about their favorite celebrities, and bitch about this or that personal choice, but very few people ask why these behaviors are so common. I think that most people want to think that celebrities (acting, sports, or otherwise) live similar lives to them. "I'm no different than [insert celebrity name]." ...and the media needs the mass to feel this way, but as Jason Alexander put it, "We actors lead lives most people never imagine, and that's why people rarely understand where celebrity gossip comes from."
To begin to understand, think about how actors, musicians, and sports heroes have to live. Just think about the physical function of their chosen profession.
Next, read some Joseph Campbell, especially his theories about the roles of artists in our society. (although will only give you insight to the real artists in society - not the Paris Hilton's of our day - whatever happened to the Jean Harlowes?)
K, that seems to be a blog of my own.
Kal-El. Awesome. ^_^
We don't know what the life of the celebs. are like. And we sit and wonder why these differences lead to naming a child Jermajesty. I don't think most bitch about stars' personal choices, at least I don't. I'm perplexed and wonder why they complain about all of the attention and then do things for more negative attention. I have no dillusions that actors and I lead similiar lives. Does anyone?
ricky, also Stars by Richard Dyer is a good study of how celebrity is constructed.
Bill -- yes, it was an amazing post. And moon unit and dweezil should have been mentioned.
E-liz -- I have mad love for the Bono, and think that if he waqnts to give his kids the middle name "Guggi Q", he can. And he can pay for the therapy later. He has the money.
Kat -- Yes, and don't you wish you were one of them.
Ricky -- I wish I could write a post about the messed up lives of normal people, but the internet resources for celebrities are so much better! And I do draw a distinct line between celebrities and artists. I wish, though, that there was a better word for celebrities because the etymology bothers me. Implying that Paris Hilton is "celebrated"... bothers me.
=)
Ricky,
I'd like to see a "long diabtribe" but that notwithstanding, what exactly is your point? Who gives a crap how much people don't know about the celebrity industry, or whether Jason Alexander thinks that his life so fascinating--and I really doubt it, at this point, though he was very funny in those Curb episodes a few seasons ago. If your point is that the practice of following celebrity gossip is stupid, then I would generally agree, and that following the stories of oddballs (Tom Cruise) or (to borrow from Mr. Cruise) the galactically stupid but attractive Paris Hilton is sort of a waste of time. But maybe it really is just entertainment? And of course you could say that all entertainment requires the viewer to put themselves into the subject of their attention, but that doesn't attach the value judgment that your post does to the activity.
Awesome! Look at all these worms I opened!
Hmm... my post was more in response to cooworkers bitching about the whole Jennifer Aniston/Brad Pitt/Angelina Jolie thing.
K, now that I have a bit more time, I'll just ramble. In a workshop, Jason Alexander was talking to my class about the romantic lives of celebrity actors (but it also applies to other non-traditional professions that get super-highlighted).
An actor lives for months on end, sometimes a year, immersed in a different world, making intimate connections with fellow actors, and when the job is done, often the created world has changed the actor's "real" world. That's why romances and breakups, marriages and divorces, run rampant in Hollywood. Plus, any press is good press, so it's not a bad career move to play these games.
I guess, the way I see it is not that we should worship celebrities or bash them or the media, I say it's just a facet of their lives. I wouldn't cry if more people read democracynow rather than People, but it's just a different world than my co-workers would like to believe.
Plus, all my friends who ever came into contact with Ms. Aniston said she was a self-rightous witch, so I would have kicked her to the curb once the sex got old too. ~_^
Another discussion topic I was bringing up is: artists are the shamans of today's culture. Religious leaders no longer journey to give people myths and heroes to expand our societal views, but rules and regulations to limit them.
The only thing uglier than the names in that post are the colors. Didn't anyone teach you that yellow on white makes my head hurt?
Benjamin Bratt and his wife just had a baby and named it Mateo Bravery Bratt. blech... add that to your list!
(I like Kal-El. But Kara Zor-El is better. Would you disown me if Brandon and I used either of those?)
Yes, suziannabean, I would.
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