Monday, July 30, 2007

The Princess and the Roller Coaster

Once upon a time (last weekend), in a land far, far away (Cedar Point), there were many, many roller coasters. And the princess went to visit that land, with her husband and his family.

Now, the princess (moi), had never really been on a roller coaster before, and so was slightly nervous about this whole thing. "Don't you worry your little crowned head about it," her husband told her, "I've been to America's Roller Coast (and yes, they do call it that) many times, and I have ridden all the mythical coasters, and I will guide you, not only to the best, but, in the beginning, to the calmest of all coasters, the Blue Streak."

Reading the description of the Blue Streak from the comfort of one's own throne, there is little wonder that the princess did not enjoy the ride. "After cresting the 78-foot-tall lift hill, riders experience more than a half-dozen hills, a hairpin turn and maximum 'airtime!'" Neither the 78 foot hill, the hairpin turn, or the "airtime" sound at all like princess-y fun.

In fact, during the ride, the princess might have been heard to scream, "I fucking hate you, Matt!!"

With Matt's parents in the seat in front of them.

This was not a royal thing to scream.

After the Blue Streak, while the men went off to ride Wicked Twister, an insane ride that corkscrews perpendicular to the ground 215 feet in the air at BOTH ends, and the princess decided to ride on the horse-racing themed carousel and hit her mother-in-law in the bumper cars. And while the men rode Millennium Force (termed "giga-coaster" for its extreme height), the princess went on the Antique Car ride.

Now, the princess completely enjoyed herself on all these rides, but she is noticing that all the pictures of the rides that she went on have pictures of kids riding them on the website. But the princess does not think that this makes her any less of an adult.

After the men came back from the Millennium Force, it was decided that everyone would ride the Power Tower. The princess thought that it didn't look too intense. The ride was merely a quick blast up a 300 foot tower, and then back down. People were screaming, but that's what they did on rides, right? It couldn't be too scary.

What the princess didn't know was that you reach 50 mph in 3 seconds. And that at the top, when the ride switches from racing upwards to racing down, one will feel quite green and hope very much that they don't puke on everyone 300 feet below them. Because that would be rude.

Then the princess went to ride on the kiddie train while her mother-in-law and husband rode the Top Thrill Dragster. A ride that the princess finds to be utterly absurd - wait almost two hours for a 15 second ride? Sure, you go up a completely vertical hill 420 feet, and then race immediately, straight at the ground, 400 feet, and end up right where you started.

But all that seems to be completely terrifying to the princess, and not at all fun. She did, however, watch to make sure that no one died. As that would be completely sad. And horrifying.

At this point, everyone's roller-coaster appetite had been satiated, and the sun was setting. So they went home.

And the princess never went on another roller coaster ever again, and lived happily ever after.

The End

Princess, Blue Streak
The fabled princess, standing in front of the roller coaster that was her nemesis, the Blue Streak.


Summer said...

Cedar Point kicks ASS! I thought you would have rocked on the rollar coasters. Too bad they didn't all agree with you. You can work your way into it.

But, I did master the 'Blue Streak' when I was about 9. So, you really have to work fast or I'll tease you.

Jsto said...

I think that your problem was that your parents never forced you to go on them when you were little. Like when I was about 7, my parents lied to you, much as Matt did, and said "its not that bad. It will be over before you know it." and I went on all these absurdly crazy rides and now am quite immune to them.

Kiki said...

Ha! When Kipper and I went to Cedar Point for his 25th birthday, I was totally the mom, standing in line with him to keep him company, and then holding his wallet and watching him go up and down on the roller coasters, making sure he didn't die. I totally understand. Roller Coasters aren't for me either!

Christie said...

Does it disturb you that I found the description of the roller coasters erotic? I freaken love roller coasters! I mean, really. I would become homeless and live out of our van if it meant I never had to leave a roller coaster park. (I'm warning you, hubby is going to be upset with the fact you don't like roller coasters. He takes great offense when someone is turned off by them.) But at least you can say you gave them a try, right.

Oh, and I have a surprise for you over on my blog. Come see, come see!

blog Portland said...

I would have waited 4 hours, in the rain, sandwiched between screaming children if it got me on Top Thrill Dragster.

There's definitely a technique for learning to love roller coasters. All you have to do is take me with you next time if you want to know it.

Princess in Galoshes said...

They just don't get it. We princesses just don't DO roller coasters.

I hear ya sister. It's rough being royalty, sometimes.

Anonymous said...

I am SO sad that you didn't like the roller coasters. I LOVE Cedar Point, and I LOVE Busch Gardens, and King's Island, and King's Dominion, and every other roller coaster park out there.

Hmm. Maybe a princess would be more at home at something like the Magic Kingdom . . .

Castorano said...

I am very very disappointed in you. I visited the Roller Coast when I was 11 and rode ALL of the coasters (we practically sprinted from one to the other to get them all in). The "giga" ones were not around yet but still. I'm not even sure the Magic Kingdom would do... Splash Mountain is a bit scary.

Lizzle said...

I am a roller coaster nut... I love going to theme parks and zooming along wooden or steel tracks, being inverted, and pulling enough G's to make an astronaut hurl!

But it's not for everyone.

(But I do think you're missing out!)

Bobealia... said...

Look how the Princess is glowing in all her glory!

Rebekah said...

I'm glad you came home with both feet.