What I Need:

Right now, it's sleep and tylenol. I went to San Diego (insert Anchorman quote here) this weekend for a wedding which was way too much fun (note to self: shots with the groom are fun, but not always the best idea, especially after shots with the groomsmen, shots with my sister-in-law, etc....). And I have many funny anecdotes, but now is not the time. Maybe tomorrow. When my head stops hurting. So, instead you get a stand by post I worked on earlier and set aside for just such an occasion: the "Google Needs" game.

One of the trends I’ve seen lately in blogs is to type “[your name] needs” into Google, find out what Google thinks that you need. I, being a whore to trendiness, have obviously done this. And come up with an extensive list of needs. I should send it to Santa. But, below, is my list, with commentary.

1) Marcia needs new shoes every 500 miles.

Has Google met me? I need new shoes approximately every week.

2) Marcia needs to be slapped over the head with a fence post.

That sounds pretty painful. I think they were talking about a different Marcia.

3) Marcia needs to take delivery of the 5 printers and cables intended for Access Services when she returns.

Wow. I don’t remember that in my job description. And I don’t know what Access Services is. Or what I’d do with 5 printers and cables.

4) Marcia needs help cleaning out the daylily beds.

It’s about time! Cleaning out those damn daylily beds have been KILLING me.

5) Marcia needs to buy some new footwear for the upcoming school year.

I’m so glad that Google realizes my need for new shoes. However, they are unaware of the fact that I graduated from college in May of 2003.

6) Marcia needs to put herself in a strong offensive position in case these folk deny that Arthur has a pants dropping fetish.

But seriously, how could Arthur deny that he has a pants dropping fetish? I swear that the entire town has seen his ass!

7) Marcia needs to be fired.

Shhhh! Don’t spread this one around!

8) Marcia needs to break her date with plain old Charley, to go after that luscious lust-lump Doug Simpson.

Do I ever! Why did I even agree to go out with plain old Charley in the first place?

9) I think Marcia needs to be on the InStyle cover.

Finally! The recognition that I need!

10) Marcia needs to stop hiding behind her phone sex persona and make a connection with real people.

My therapist has been telling me this for years. But now that Google’s said it, I believe it.

11) Looks like Marcia needs her Prozac!

Actually, I have a bad reaction to Prozac. But wouldn’t it be nice if we went back to the days of 50’s housewives doped up on Valium? I’d have the house clean and a martini waiting for the Husband every night, and not even mind…

12) Marcia needs a spirit guide.

I was HOPING Google knew that! Do you think that they’ll find me one, or do I have to go looking for it?

13) All I can say is that Marcia needs love, too.

Yes. Lots of it.

14) I don’t think Marcia needs any further elaboration.

True.

15) Okkkkkkkk, Marcia needs to stop talking.

Alright, I will.